Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Evolution and use of water bottles

As redicilous as what you’re about to read might seem, I could legimitely gain insight into why people make these choices using the methods I’m learning in class. Anyway, I bet you agree with me. Read on:

Ever since college, I’ve noticed the preponderance of water receptacles hanging, attached, or inside of student backpacks, attaches, and messenger bags. It certainly makes sense – students, seeking to maintain a healthy lifestyle (because it’s just so awesome to drink water) make sure to have a fresh volume with them at all times. Back in my day, everyone was drinking water from plastic Nalgene bottles. Not only did these bottles allow everyone to know “hey, I’m healthy, I drink water” the bottle also allowed for cool stickers through which people could further describe their cool personality. But times have changed. From what I can tell, a WAR now rages between various factions of water consumers. If you aren’t carrying the right container, you’re either 1) poisoning yourself 2) an elitist 3) a hippy 4) cheap 5) drinking from the sewers 6) just don’t care about your body or 7) don’t care about the environment.

Let’s talk about the options:

Nalgene – As previously mentioned, this was really the first COOL water container. Everyone had one, they were cheap and they could carry WATER like none other. The best part about Nalgenes was not only were they clear (which showed to everyone how healthy you were), there was also ample space to place stickers describing even more awesome components describing your coolness. The most popular sticker was the DMB fire figure (if you don’t know what that stands for, you’re NOT cool). But the actual most cool sticker (that which is most popular cannot possibly also be the most cool since if it’s too popular it’s just not that cool) is the OBX sticker (again, if you don’t know what that stands for, you don’t deserve to know).

Nalgene User Rallying Cry: “My Nalgene.”

Stainless Steel Container – Nothing says clean like Stainless steel. The movement towards these excellently cool containers was spurred by the discovery that the plastic with which Nalgene bottles were fashioned actually may poison users of the bottle through leakage. Just imagine: Nalgene – So cool you’d die for it.

Stainless Steel User Rallying Cry: “Go ahead. Poison yourself.”

Bottled Water Container – Users of these containers simply prefer to use the container one of their purchases of filtered bottled water comes in. Once they drink the original volume, they reuse the bottled until they lose it. Not only are they being economical, they’re doing their part to reduce the usage of disposable plastic bottles. Good for them. Social responsibility is COOL. BUT, drinking tap water is NOT COOL. Imagine all the carcinogens, and fecal matter polluting the tap water supply? Worse off, should someone poison the water supply, these people are screwed. Being screwed is also NOT COOL.

Bottled Water User Rallying Cry: “Hey, it’s economical”

Water Fountain – Just stupid. I’ve been told by facilities managers that manage facilities that piping within the water fountains are cesspools of disreputable bacteria. You know, the kind of bacteria that HURTS you. Getting hurt is NOT COOL. But water fountains harken back to days past, like the 50s. The 50s are COOL.

Water Fountain User Rallying Cry: “Like GREASED LIGHTENING!! That kills you!”

I, personally, have a Stainless Steel Water bottle. The beauty of my water bottle is that no one can see what is actually in it. Which is to say, no one can see that I actually don’ t have anything in it. I haven’t even taken the little “inspected by #24” insert out. You see, I only carry the stainless steel water bottle to be cool. Carrying a water bottle purely to be cool is cool because not really giving a hoot about anything is cool. The point is, I’m COOL.

Back to the point, which is that 2/3 of the Earth is covered in water. We’re going to need a lot of bottles. And a lot of OBX stickers.

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